How to let go of a toxic relationship.

My past love life was a string of broken relationships.

I went from one bad relationship to the next, often just switching out one bad partner for another.

Everything always started out great. We’d share many of the same interests, values, likes, dislikes, and seemed to fit almost perfectly into each other’s social and family circles.

But within a few years’ time, the early relationship bliss would somehow always descend into cruel name-calling, embarrassing fights, silent resentments, and unresolved hurt feelings.

I’d try to make a clean break for it, but after just a few days (I never managed to last any more than that) my defenses came down, and I found myself either reaching back out, telling myself I was just ‘seeing how they were doing,’ or responding to a late-night text or call without any resistance.

I knew deep down I wanted a mutually loving, stable relationship, but all I ever seemed to be able to attract was one bad relationship after another.

Over time, this string of toxic love affairs corroded my self-esteem and my sense of self.

The constant highs of making up, and the debilitating lows of breaking up made me extremely vulnerable. I stopped trusting myself, and put my faith in the impossible possibility that by some strange miracle, everything would work itself out.

Why couldn’t I let go?

What was holding me back from peacefully walking away from a hurtful situation, and moving on?

Breaking the Cycle

Toxic relationships cycles go on for so long because we are not aware of their existence. Fueled by fear, they operate quietly in the subconscious of our being, influencing our behaviors and wreaking havoc in our personal lives.

I stayed in many toxic relationships because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find anything better in the future.

Because of this, I overlooked the emotional destruction each relationship was doing to myself and to the other person. I thought by holding on I was saving myself from further pain, but all I was doing was recreating it on a daily basis.

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Letting go of painful relationship cycles is about no longer allowing fear to make decisions for you.

It’s no easy process, but once you begin to honor your mind, body, and emotions, you’ll find ways to peacefully transition out of a toxic relationship, and into an emotionally healthy space in your life.

After being stuck in a toxic cycle for years, here are a few things I did to stop the cycle, and begin to create the life I wanted for myself.

Start Choosing Yourself First Daily

I know many women who are strong, committed caregivers to their children, and efficient leaders in their careers. They are emotionally powerful woman, not afraid to give, but when it comes to receiving, their needs often go unmet.

Stop putting your needs second, third, fourth (or sometimes even not all all), and make putting yourself first a part of your daily experience. Making a conscious decision to choose you will help you to create more of the positive and fulfilling experiences you want for yourself.

Learn the Power of Saying ‘No’

In past toxic relationships, my fights were brutal, destructive, loud, name-calling, angry text-sending blow outs that would often last for days. I was angry, I was hurt, and I thought by putting all my feelings on full display, I would somehow get my partners attention. None of it ever worked, and all it did was leave me feeling bitter, resentful, and emotionally drained.

Fights are energy. What you put into a fight, you end up giving up.

Learning to peacefully not engage is an art that takes self-control and practice, but it’s one of the most effective ways to maintain your emotional integrity. Remember, there is more emotional power in a simple ‘no’, than in an explosive fight.

Get a Second Opinion

It wasn’t until after I got out of some of my most toxic relationships, that many of my friends then felt comfortable to tell me the truth. That I should have left a long time ago. In many cases, they felt they couldn’t be open with me, because I was in too deep, and wouldn’t be receptive to their advice.

Toxic relationships close you off from being able to hear and accept the support of others. They can alienate you from friends and family, and make you resistant to receiving advice from the people you love and trust.

Get another opinion from someone who is looking from the outside in. You may find talking with trusted friend an eye-opening and therapeutic experience.

Evaluate Your Other Relationships

Do you have any other toxic relationships in your life? Chances are yes.

Toxic tendencies will often present themselves in other relationships in our lives, such as with ex-spouses, coworkers, friends, and even family members.

It’s worth taking a closer look at some of the relationships outside of your romantic one, to see if they are causing you more pain than joy.

Let Go of Time Invested

One of the biggest reasons I held onto many of my relationships, long after it was clear it was no longer working, was because I didn’t want to let go of all the time, love, and energy, I had already put in. I thought that by giving up, I would lose out on everything.

The only way you lose time is when you remain in a situation that no longer serves your needs. Honor and respect the time you invested in the relationship, who you were, who you became, and all you learned about yourself.

Time is only ever truly wasted when you learn nothing from it.

Accept the Possibility That Things Might Not Work Out

What oftentimes keeps us tethered to unhealthy situations is our belief that it will somehow work itself out. That the other person will eventually change, and your relationships will go back to those first few magically years when everything was fine.

True change requires growth.

If you or your partner have stopped growing in your relationship, then that leaves very little possibility that things will work itself out.

Trust Your Intuition

When a toxic relationship goes on for too long, we begin to lose trust in ourselves, and stop listening to our intuition. We know deep down we should leave, but won’t allow ourselves to move on, because it’s an uncertain dating world out there, and we don’t want to be disappointed again.

When you stay when you feel you should go, you may be inadvertently causing yourself to miss out on other opportunities for love and happiness.

Your future is not in you past. Release your fear of moving on by trusting your instincts. You know what’s best for you, and when it’s time to move on.

Attract What You Desire

One of the unfortunate effects of toxic relationships is that it causes us to lose faith in our ability to find and create love again. We wonder if happiness is truly available to us outside of the space we’ve always known, and if we do find it, will it be worth it?

That’s fear controlling your decisions.

Look to your past or other areas of your life that are flourishing as evidence that You are capable of attracting the things you desire. Each positive decision you make in your best interest, opens you to the opportunity to experience more in the future.

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Letting go of a toxic relationship cycle takes time, so don’t rush the process. Allow yourself as long as you need to make the decision that is best for you.

Whether you choose to stay, or walk away, always keep yourself open to the possibility of experiencing happiness in another setting.